Massacre on a quiet street (The Regulators by Stephen King)

As a devoted Stephen King fan, I usually need two or three tries to get through some of his “unpassable” novels. That was the case with Gerald’s Game and The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. They weren’t bad reads, just maybe not my vibe at the time. But The Regulators? That was a different story. I must have tried to read it five times. Every time, getting a bit further, I’d hit a wall and put it down. It was tough wading through the chaotic events and characters. But finally, I decided to face it head-on and check The Regulators off my list.

Plot

One hot summer day, an unknown van rolls down Poplar Street in the small town of Wentworth, Ohio. Whoever the passengers are, they start shooting at the neighbors. In a panic, people try to escape, hiding in their homes… And then, as suddenly as they arrived, the shooters drive off. Terrified that the van might return, the residents try calling the police… but the phones are dead. Who can help? Where can they go? And what in the world is going on?

King or Bachman?

To start, The Regulators is a “Bachman” book. For those who don’t know, “Bachman” isn’t just a pen name— it’s King’s dark side. Under the Bachman name, King released some hard-edged, even brutal novels (like Rage, banned in the US). The only downside of this stories, in my humble opinion, is that Bachman’s characters feel a bit shallow — something that almost never happens when King writes as himself. But overall, since “Bachman” was mostly early King, those novels came out pretty well.

Almost all the Bachman books came out in King’s early career (five books between 1977 and 1984), except for two: Blaze, which King claimed he “lost,” and The Regulators, which he must’ve stashed away to rewrite, knowing it wasn’t even “Bachman-level.” Well, the reworked The Regulators might have some strengths, but it still falls short.

Pros & Cons of The Regulators

This novel has more than a few problems.

1. Characters. The Regulators has way too many characters, so many that it’s hard to keep track. Usually, King can handle a huge cast with ease, gradually developing even the minor characters and building the story bit by bit. But here? It just doesn’t work. There’s no story, no real characters, only vague shells that differ only in name, each in a plot that feels like nonsense. The only highlights are Seth Garin (the boy who “meets” the main antagonist) and his aunt Audrey Wyler.
2. Too many references. The whole book hinges on references to low-budget (and totally obscure) TV shows about the Wild West and space adventures. And the problem isn’t even that no one knows these shows—it’s that there are so many references. Practically every page. It feels like the book isn’t a standalone work but more like fanfiction for trashy shows.
3. Main character. There isn’t one. Which means there’s no one to root for. No emotional connection between the reader and the characters. In the end, you turn the pages not out of interest, but just to get it over with.
4. Main villain. It would have been fine if the villain had any kind of coherent motivation…

On the positive side:

1. Story concept. It’s an original idea, placing the characters in a child’s game inspired by TV shows. But with characters who are hard to care about, things feel flat. Nothing they do actually matters—whatever they try, the kid’s imagination can always change it (which, ultimately, is what happens). Combined with how one-dimensional the characters are, the story just ends up feeling pretty bleak.
2. Secondary storyline. There’s a subplot where Seth Garin’s family goes to Desperation and releases the main antagonist. Surprisingly, it’s a lot more interesting to read than the main plot.

But all the positives don’t really offset the negatives. If anything, they make it sadder — it could have been really good.

And the ending, which finally explains “what the hell is going on,” disappoints. It only reinforces the idea that caring about any of these characters was pointless.

Big idea of The Regulators

Maybe King wanted to say that TV makes you crazy or that it’s not that hard to mess with people’s minds. Or maybe it’s just a gory mess King pushed out during a creative slump. I’m leaning toward the second option.

Interestingly, five years after The Regulators, in 2001, King published Dreamcatcher, which surprisingly borrowed a lot from The Regulators. Maybe he decided to rewrite it for real this time, only to come up with something just as “meh.”

Conclusion

The Regulators might just be King’s weakest novel so far. There’s an interesting concept, and it’s an easy read, but the sheer unreality of it all, with events that defy any logic, combined with some of the least compelling characters, makes The Regulators an incredibly dull and unengaging read. A pity.

My opinion: 5 out of 10 cowboy hats. King’s worst novel ever.